The Death of me and the Birth of a Mother

9 months since that fatal day last December. And Im still mourning the life I knew. 

I felt that for the most part I came out of that dark forest of those never ending nights on that god for saken pilates ball. And days of diapers and crying and feeding.. and ahhh!
So hes 9 months old, Im kinda still stuck in that rut of a cycle. But Since he’s been 7 months I have started to fall for him. So it makes all that stuff worth it in a way…
But shit this baby business is insane!
Ive just had 2 very bad days. I think its his teeth and he caught a cold so he’s very cranky and just wants to be in my arms, but he is so heavy right now I can not do things I use to do while holding him with one arm.
I am just realising once again after a long talk with my mom and her husband about life and how I’ve been living my life since … the beginning of me…
And I have been feeling stuck in a rut no matter what I was doing or where I was living, or who I was dating. My loop is this horrible feeling of being stuck while everyone else is living life and having a great time!
Yes its true that with a baby Im not free anymore to drive where ever I want or to go out when I want and so on… But when I was single I still hardly did any of those things anyway.
After that long and depressing talk (last night) Eyal summed it up with ” You have moments in life” So this afternoon we went to see my sister in law who’s home alone for 10 days with T W O kids! as my brother is in Japan. I can’t help too much as my nephew is very jealous and not very nice to my kid… and seeing a baby younger than my own gives me serious shivers and anxiety! ( I’m not kidding)
But I was putting my tired and crying kid to sleep in the “healing room” (huge old house with many rooms for another post… ) as I lay down feeding him to sleep all I could see out the window was the sky and a big tree with many leafy branches swinging left and right in the wind. There were 2 birds nests swinging as well. One had a bird in it that was busy getting the nest finished I suppose. Swinging away…It was marvellous to see how they do it. So perfect nature is. Getting another nest ready for another family to be born…
I breathed in and promised to remember this moment as relaxing and pleasant. And Ill try to remember that everytime I get tired and frustrated again…
Im married to a very special human being and we made a human together. Im seriously NOT stuck in a rut.
I have been in such a bad place in the past. My first husband was a crook and con artist and probably a criminal! I have no idea and don’t care to know! I was stuck in that relationship and it that house I almost died there seriously!
I packed up my passport a few clothes in 3 plastic bag and took a taxi to my mom who was visiting Israel at a friends house and left! I had no idea where I was going but I just knew Im not staying there! Im not gonna get stuck! And I came so fucking far from that dark place! I was fat! and I was depressed and I had to have an abortion and I was really finished.
So …Maybe that stuck feeling is an automatic response that comes up everytime I feel down or everytime Im struggling. Either way I have to not let it get me down.
This baby stage will be over. And I will have my life back in some way that will make me feel accomplished.
I hope…

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